Lisa Lampanelli

"Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean"

The American Dog reports
Photo by Jimmy Cannizzaro

Q: When did you first see Parker?

I first saw Parker when he was being chased by a cook at a Chinese restaurant. I said, "Hey, that dog's too cute to be a #17. He's gonna be my pet." Okay, okay - that's not what happened. I just wanted to make myself sound like a hero. I actually saw Parker on a Sunday afternoon at a pet adoption place on the Upper West Side of New York City. I was going to have lunch and I said, "At this point, food's more important than anything to me, but if he's still here when I come back from lunch, it's meant to be." And it was.

Q: What made you decide that you wanted to "adopt" a puppy?

Well, I've always had an unutilized maternal instinct, and I wanted to adopt something that didn't need braces or a college education. Parker was an adorable, furry creature that I fell in love with at first sight - kind of like my fiancé, Jimmy. The only difference is, Parker sheds less.

Q: Have you had other dogs or cats in your family?

No! I grew up in a real Italian household, and there was already enough noise with everyone yelling and screaming at each other. My folks couldn't handle dogs barking too. Up until Parker, the only dogs I had were two-legged, and I'm already crazy, so I don't need the cats to prove it.

Q: Since you travel a lot, will Parker be going on tour with you or having a babysitter at home?

No way am I hiring any kind of babysitter. Too many people run off with them: Robin Williams, Jude Law, Ethan Hawke. I'm not losing Parker to any doggie nanny. Suffice to say, Parker comes with me everywhere, even the toilet.

Q: What adorable or special qualities does little Parker have?

Parker farts and then tries to blame it on my fiancé! Just kidding! Everything about Parker is adorable. He's as cute as his namesake, Sarah Jessica Parker, and at 5.2 pounds, weighs more.

Q: Are you having fun teaching Parker any tricks or commands?

I'm having a blast with this. Parker is easier to train than any guy I've dated. He does shake, backup and goes to his crate with one-word commands. And hopefully, since he's a total chick magnet, I'll train him to attack any attractive women he sees talking to my fiance.

Q: Where does Parker sleep - in his own bed or yours?

Parker is exactly like a kid. He has his own bed, but in the middle of the night he usually comes in and curls up, and gets cozy in Jimmy's back hair.

Q: Since he's a recent addition to your family, does Parker have any friends yet?

Parker isn't allowed to play with other dogs yet 'cause he hasn't had all his shots. However, I can't walk down the street without 30 people stopping to pet him. They love him! I, on the other hand, am making no friends because in New York City we have to pick up after our dogs, and nobody wants to talk to someone with a bag of poop in her hand.

Q: What is Parker's favorite toy to play with?

Of course, we've spoiled him rotten! But even though he has every chew toy under the sun, he somehow prefers to tear apart my $5,000 hair extensions and Persian rugs.

Q: Does Parker have a favorite food or treat?

Like every other creature on earth, he loves bacon.

Q: How does Parker make your life special?

Parker keeps me from getting a big head. Every time I start to think I'm hot s*it, I'm bending over picking some up. What I'm trying to say is, he keeps me humble.

For more information please visit: www.lisalampanelli.com

You can see Lisa at the Beacon Theater in New York City on December 10 and 11, and at Club Nokia in Los Angeles on November 20.

For her full schedule of tour dates, go to www.InsultComic.com. And pick up a copy of her new book, "Chocolate, Please" in paperback, on sale now.